On the outside
by Gesserit
Summary: AU set in USA, Kagome is a 16 year old placed in a mental institute by her family. She thinks she's not meant to be there, but with her half brother whom she loves a little too much. Has she lost it, or is everyone against her? OC Dai full summ inside
1. Outside

AN: Okay, I started to write this a long time ago, but it wasn't originally a Inu fanfic, it was an original work. I just made some adjustments, and voila!! It'll get more self explanatory on the way. Until then, Dai is my OC, and I hope you like him, because I didn't have the heart to replace him with any of the Inu characters. Sess will be making his entrange later on. I have to get him a proper part in this.

So, the story is basically about Kags. Her mom is Japanese, and she moved to USA, where she met Dai's dad, who was a widower, with a small child (Dai). They got married and had Kagome. But Kags had always been a little weird. Read and find out how!!

Contains a lot of angsty and depressive situations, manic crises, and so on. It's kinda tragic, really. The girl's disturbed, and it'll show. Be warned.

Disclaimer: Everyone knows I couldn't possily own Inu or the charecters, so... boo. But I do own Dai, and he's gorgeous. There!!

Please RR!! I just wanna know if I should keep on with writing this, because I liked it... Thanks. Okay. Enough.

:---:

On the outside

One – Outside

She didn't know if she was going somewhere, anywhere… anywhere, yes, that was better than there. Anywhere was better than there. Her cold, avert eyes stared down at the pavement, at the wet leaves on the street, blown away by the cutting wind, lit by the candles from all those people passing by her.

She knew where they were headed. It was the night when dead people came back. It was a celebration of their death and of their life, the time to call forth their souls, and the people in the street called out to them in a strange, rhythmic manner, as she was staring down, shaking from the cold and moist air embracing her against her will. Against her will…

She shook off the feeling, determined to forget all about feelings in general. If only she could be allowed not to feel anymore, it would be just fine. _She_ would be just fine. No more pain, no more regret, no more guilt. No more. Just to be still inside, and not feel like shit all the time. Not feel like the one who's fucked up yet another opportunity, who's screwed herself and everyone who cared for her. If only she could not feel _that_ anymore… she would be fine.

The voices reached her ears like prayers, whispers in the cold air of late summer, whispers around her body, touching her with their intrusive tone, with their purity… and they made her feel so dirty, so spoiled facing all those souls. Those souls, called back from the afterlife, and welcomed into this world once again, welcomed and greeted with joy, allowed passage.

They walked beside her, smiling at her, but she didn't wanna see their faces. No, not anymore. It was too painful. She couldn't tell what they were saying, she didn't care. Or she didn't wanna care. Why the hell should she? They'd never done a single damn thing to help her. Ever. Did they ever get her out of the shitty mess she'd gotten herself into, so many times? No. Did they ever come to lift her from her idiotic, manic crises? Or from her "depressions"? No. So, why should she care about them? Why were they asking that of her? It was pointless.

She pulled the blue sweater closer to her shivering body and went on with her head downcast. She didn't care, she didn't care… her cheeks were wet, but she knew it wasn't from tears, it was the rain. Only the rain. Her mind was straying in and out of a continuous stream, and she soon lost the trail of her fluent thoughts. The whispers wouldn't leave her alone, they were pulling her by the throat and by her clothes, they were pushing and pushing her against the walls, into the crowd, and she had to give in and let herself be carried away from the narrow, paved sidewalk and into the street, in the middle of those people, all those people holding candles and praying for the lost souls, for the found and forever lost souls of their loved ones. She felt like screaming it out at them.

'Those souls don't care for you anymore! They only want revenge, they only want the justice that you owe them, that _we_ owe them! The justice they've been deprived of by our twisted world! They don't feel anything anymore. They only feel anger, and pain…'

She was feeling the same, and she was just about getting ready to give up.

Depressive. Suicidal. Manic. Psychotic. Bipolar. Hallucinating. What the hell did they know? Who the fuck gave them the right to put her in there, anyway? Those people were mad, they put her on medication and said she was ill, they said her head was messed up and that she was basically seeing things. Hell yes, she was seeing things! She'd seen her medical records; she'd seen what kind of people they put in that place… they called it a hospital, but she knew better. It was a nut house, that's what it was! Fucking morons! She wasn't crazy, she was jut a little… unwell. Confused. Who the hell wouldn't be, in her situation?

Some old lady was chanting a strange song just next to her, and she took a peek at what she was holding in her hands. She knew she was old, from the wrinkles on her hands, from the spots on the skin. Jasmine flowers, a thick white candle and some prayer beans, with a crucifix tied at the end. The smell was beginning to get to her nerves. All that smoke from the burnt candles, the suffocating atmosphere and the thick scent of the jasmine flowers made her dizzy… Or maybe it was the drugs, she couldn't tell.

What the fuck did they give her, anyway? Morphine? No, not morphine again, she hadn't been psychotic this time, she'd been just pissed. Maybe Thorazine. So what if she knocked down that computer? Anyone would have done the same, if some bitch who dressed in white all the time told her she was a basket case. Freakin' shit hole, that's what that was, not a hospital!

She wouldn't put a mental patient there for fear he would get worse, let alone someone sane, like herself! What the fuck were they thinking, throwing her in that _cell_ with _that woman_? And the doctors… she could barely bring herself to call them doctors… Butchers, that's what they were. Incompetent, nonetheless. She was right to escape from there.

She was oddly cold, the cold November day was making a statement against her stupidity… she should have stolen some other sweater. But maybe she was just feeling the effects of the drugs. Again, those damned drugs! They would draw holes into her stomach with all the drugs they shoved down her throat! She shivered and tightened her arms around her waist.

The whispers were barely covering all the screams and pleas inside her head, all those wet eyes asking, begging, threatening her to listen, to help… help… help! But who could help _her_? _Who would ever help her_? She felt her jaws ache and detensed them, still looking determinedly down. She didn't wanna see them. She didn't wanna hear them. No. Not anymore. Go away. Go away… She didn't realize she was saying it out loud, until the woman next to her bent towards her and whispered:

"They never do, do they?" She flinched and frowned, then shivered as she felt the cold hand of that woman touch her skin, slipping a jasmine flower in her hand. She took it and clutched her fingers against the soft flower. She was shaking like hell, and she saw it wasn't making it easy for her to pass by unnoticed. The woman took off the colorful poncho she was wearing and gave it to her.

She didn't look at the old woman, but took the poncho and slid it on, quickly embracing her waist again, hoping to all and any Gods that she would stop shaking. The screams still wouldn't cease, and that was what worried her the most. The candles were burning silently all around her and the heavy smell of melt wax crept inside her head, making it hard for her to breathe and to think. She closed her eyes for a second, as she dragged her tired feet along the street, mostly pushed from the back by the people, than walking by herself.

'Have to get better, have to stop the cries, I can't help, I can't…' she yelled inside, and her fingers dug deeper in her flesh. If she'd had longer nails, maybe she would have hurt herself, but those idiots had cut her nails, for fear she would do just that: hurt herself, or maybe _them_. She remembered they had to tie her down on that cold table, and she felt like was a pig on the butcher's board, squealing within the last feeling it would ever have, struggling against their grip as it choked on its own blood. Like a pig.

They'd tied her down, just after that nurse gave her an electric shock like they would probably give an elephant. They were using that electric shock treatment more often on her than on any other patient. They said she was to blame; she was the one who forced them to treat her that way. A tear rolled down her cheek, at that time, but that was it. She refused to give them the satisfaction of seeing her kneel.

They spread her arms on either side of her body, as several nurses held her down, and cut her nails. She was screaming as hard as she could, to get them off her, to get them to let go, she tried to kick them, especially that perverted doctor who grinned down at her as he said:

"_Now you won't be scratching your roommate in her sleep anymore_."

What the fuck did _he_ know about it? His breath reached her skin and she remembered how sickened she felt, how violated, with him entering her personal space like that, with no permission granted or anything. Even if she was a patient, that gave him no right to invade her privacy, to take advantage of her vulnerable position. And those hands holding her down… Those hands were enough to drive her crazy, the touch… the filthy touch and the eyes that went over her body… she couldn't take it anymore.

And they complained about her scratching her roommate! Hah! That bitch had it coming to her, ever since she ripped her clothes apart, forcing her to wear that horrible hospital outfit which made her look like a mental case. So she jumped her and scratched her face and her neck. She didn't mean to hurt her that bad, she just… slipped. It wasn't like she would get permanent scars or something! What a whiner! She'd took in more severe damage than that, and she could clearly remember everyone staring at her afterwards, thinking that she was the one who got The Room this time, that she'd gotten The Room more times in two months than anyone in two years! What-the hell-_ever_! They could all just die in a corner somewhere for all she cared. It's not like they were worth something anyway!!

Neither of them was worth anything… especially herself. Especially herself. She knew it, she saw it so clearly sometimes, and she knew she was worthless and that she didn't deserve to live, she wasn't supposed to be able to make them all hurt so much… It wasn't her fault, it was _their_ fault, _they_ wanted to love her, and they just ended up destroyed by her. She'd warned them, by God, she'd warned them all… she tried for so many times… But they still came back, they still said she was theirs… that they loved her. But now they were all gone, and she was left alone again, with the pain and the guilt, and her sorrow, her damned never ending sorrow!

They hadn't loved her, they just wanted to believe they did… Yes, that's the truth, she knew it. She couldn't be loved, what the hell did they saw worth loving? Sometimes, she knew it; she saw it so clearly… She knew she was worthless… Those times were the ones she'd wanted to take her life, to end it once and for all, and she took the knife so many times, she grabbed any blade she could find and cut…

They would always find her, and take her to a cold, white room, with people spinning around her, and her crimson blood stained their perfect white clothes, and their perfect white gloves, and their perfect white souls… And they dragged her back, kicking and screaming, they dragged her back, and she breathed again as humans do, as all worthless humans do…

But then, there were times when she wanted to live, she wanted to escape the cries, the horrible cries for help, and the anger, she wanted them, somebody, anybody to love her, to keep her warm and to tell her she'll be alright, that she's normal and that she'll be alright… She longed for that voice to lead her out of her labyrinth, unlock her cage, and free her.

She craved for sunlight to bless her skin and allow her to not be so pale anymore… She looked like a dead body. And she'd talked just about as much, in the past two months. Who was she to talk with? Tabitha? That old hag who annoyed her every waking moment to play Scrabble with her? She hated Scrabble. More words.

"Who are you here for?" the old woman asked, and her kind voice startled the girl shaking beside her. She stared at the flowers in her hand, and felt the cold air whipping her face, although she should have been warm by now.

"Myself." she said. Her voice was husky, like she hadn't spoken for days. The woman frowned a little, but resumed the kind expression that the girl still refused to see.

"But this is The Day of The Dead."

"So?"

:---:

AN: that's the first chappy. Any good? RR if you want. and sorry if you found any misspellings.


	2. Conflict

On the outside

Two – Conflict

If they'd ever cared, like… truly cared about her, they would have asked her what was wrong, what went through her mind, and try to listen to her, not lock her in that place. She hated them for that. All of them. Even Dai… even him. She didn't want to think of how he's let her rot in there, how he said he'd take care of her, and then just let them abandon her in there. She missed him so much… No, she couldn't hate him. She was mad to think she could ever feel anything but love for him. She wondered where he was, now.

Maybe not that far away, maybe she could still have a chance to see him again, to touch his face and tell him, tell him that she loved him, beg him to see her as herself, again, and not leave her all alone. But her Dai was tainted by all those looks, by the looks they gave him whenever he was holding her too close, or too tightly for their liking. Her Dai drove her away because he didn't want to see her hurt, because he said what she felt for him wasn't real, it wasn't right and it was a sin. He said that it would pass, and that she would heal from her illness.

Dai didn't want her anymore… They wouldn't let him want her. They wouldn't let him love her. He was the only one who could love her, and they sent him away, they sent her away, they ripped them apart and now she was so lost…

The old woman stopped in front of a tall iron gate and looked at her. She realized she was standing just outside the cemetery and she took in a deep breath. She hadn't entered a cemetery since she was nine years old, ever since _She'_d died. The girl looked up at the wrought iron and saw speckles of cold rain hanging from the odd shapes. The dim light from the candles, and the moon made them shine and the gates looked like they were made of black glass.

"Will you enter with me?" again, she tensed at the kind voice of that woman and she wanted to raise her eyes from the ground, but didn't dare. She didn't know what she was afraid of… maybe that she would see _them_ again, after all this was _their_ house. She didn't wanna see them anymore; she wanted to be normal… She nodded and the woman led her inside the cemetery.

It was very large, and filled with the smell of jasmine flowers, burnt candles and incense. The graves were placed in a certain order, in even rows and were each very neat. Flowers rested on the cold earth or the marble, and the people went about the place as if it were an art gallery, lighting candles and murmuring endless words. The woman finally stopped in front of a black marble tomb and just stood there, looking at the tombstone. She didn't know what to do anymore.

She'd been caught in this strange ceremonial, in the middle of all there unknown people, but somehow she didn't feel lost. She finally had someone there, with her, and she didn't feel so misplaced anymore. She raised her head slowly only to se the old woman bend and light a candle, placing it at the base of the tombstone. She didn't wanna read the inscription on the black marble. She was too scared that if she would care enough to read it, whoever rested there would think she cared enough to help. She didn't care to help them anymore.

"What's your name?" the old woman asked, and she slowly looked at her wrinkled face, as if she was afraid the woman would just vanish like smoke from before her eyes.

She wasn't sure she wanted to answer, but the woman's face was so filled with kindness, that she began thinking that it was maybe just her paranoia that drove her to be so unsettled when it came to dealing with others.

"Kagome." She said, reluctantly. The woman turned and looked at her with wide open eyes. Her orbits seemed to dig into the young girl's soul, and she felt somewhat trapped under that stare. Suddenly, the old woman shivered and her lips pressed against each other. This woman looked like she would fall to pieces, and Kagome stared at her in bewilderment.

"Have you come for me?" the woman said, and she frowned for a second.

"What?"

"Are you here for me?" the old woman repeated. Kagome shook her head, and the woman seemed to calm down a little. She wondered why anyone would think she was there for them.

"What is _your_ name?" Kagome asked, and the woman gave her an awkward look, as if she couldn't believe what she was witnessing.

"Amalia."

"Amalia. That's… nice. Everyone here says my name's strange." Kagome spoke slowly, not sure that she actually wanted to let that particular piece of information out her lips. But Amalia was clearly beginning to settle down, and the girl felt more at ease herself.

"I didn't think you were that permissive." Amalia said, then turned her back to Kagome and lit another candle next to the black grave. Kagome looked at the flowers in her hand, then to the dark sky, wondering at Amalia's strange wording. The rain had stopped, but the air still held that moistness to it, as if someone had sprayed it with water.

She was rather uncomfortable, not so much due to the atmosphere, but to the medication. She figured that the lack of antidepressants was making itself strongly known by now, because she was beginning to shiver again, and she couldn't help feeling a little numb, although she was supposed to be tensed from the cold air. Kagome looked around at all the people walking by her, and through the cemetery, knowing that sooner or later she will see _them._ Especially here, especially at a time like this.

And sure enough, a little boy with wide open, black eyes seemed to materialize at her side, looking at Amalia's back. Kagome stared at the strange looking boy. He couldn't have been more than twelve years old, and his clothes were a little out of fashion, like he would have lived around the 70's or something.

"_She always comes back to see me."_ he said, but his lips didn't move. Kagome knew what he meant, knew why his lips were still, even if he was talking to her. She turned her head and tried to stop her shivering. Her mind was a little too cloudy for her to reason correctly, and she knew she was going to lose it again. She would enter that catatonic state which stated so obviously that she could never be normal, she could never even _seem_ normal.

"You should leave her alone." Kagome thought, and the boy's eyes lit up at her, as he frowned.

"_What do you know? She didn't love me, so I have to stay here and make her…"_ Kagome had had just about enough of them and their demands. They thought that, just because they'd suffered while alive, they had the right to make others suffer as well. Well, she couldn't stand it anymore. She felt her heartbeat accelerate, and she choked on her own anger as she screamed, covering her ears:

"Leave her alone!!!" She fell on her knees, next to the little boy, and watched in horror as her scream simply shattered his immaterial body and left behind a blue smoke that hit her chest like a bullet. She whimpered in pain and fell to the ground quivering, rolling her eyes back.

"Kagome!" the voice was soft, and vaguely familiar. A cold hand touched her cheek and she flinched, shooting her eyes open. Her entire body ached, as if she would have taken electric shocks again. The feeling was still vivid in her memory and she crouched on the ground, embracing her waist. She couldn't keep her eyes fully open, and her body wouldn't listen to her. The numbness was too powerful for her to overcome it by herself. If only… But no, she couldn't take the drugs anymore, she hated them… They meant she was sick, and she knew she wasn't. She couldn't be. She had to be sane, she had to be normal, because that was the only chance she had of seeing _him_ again.

"Kagome?" Again, the voice. She hazily attributed it to an old woman, but she couldn't think clearly. Her thoughts melted like snowflakes in the palm of a wicked hand, and she couldn't follow a stream of thoughts to the end. She began fluttering her eyes open and closed, since she couldn't see anything either way, her vision was blurry, and the pain in her chest wouldn't stop.

She wondered if she was breathing, if she was bleeding… She just wanted not to feel like that. Was it so much to ask? Had she been that bad that she didn't even deserve death? Why couldn't she just die? So many people died against their wish, and there she was, longing for eternal peace, only she was denied of the right to have it. She hated them all. The cold air crept inside her head and she couldn't even hate anymore. She froze, along with her thoughts, and all fell into a swirl of darkness as she relinquished the right to breathe.

_Azrael, my angel of death, you can't know who you are…_

She suddenly took in air and hastily breathed in and out a few times before averting her violet eyes to the world. She could still see those grey eyes staring at her from their place somewhere above, somewhere she could never reach.

_Ashes Eyes…_

"Amalia?" she whispered, and looked around to see she was in a dim lit room filed with all sorts of shelves for books. The room looked like a real altar for books. They were everywhere. Kagome couldn't make out the furniture underneath all those volumes. She lightly touched her neck, where she felt like a cold hand had been placed just a moment earlier, but it couldn't have been right… There was nobody in the room with her. She didn't feel like talking to anyone, either. She was just wondering where she was, and the only coherent thought she could have told her that she was in Amalia's house. The last thing she remembered was lying down on the ground, in the cemetery… and _Ashes Eyes_. A presence so strong, powerful and intrusive, like she was nothing compared to it. Like she didn't matter at all. It didn't have a voice, it didn't have a face, nor a body… It was only a pair of ashes eyes, and what they'd told her… Angel of death. _My_ angel of death.

The door opened with a small noise and Kagome shot her eyes to the left. Amalia entered the dark room, carrying a tray with something, she couldn't make out what.

"I see you're awake." the woman said, in that quiet tone she always used. Kagome thought she was being a little weird, but who was she to judge? Upon closer inspection, she saw that Amalia had brought her a glass of… wine? She wasn't sure it was wine, because it looked thicker and had a dark red color. It looked more like… Kagome swallowed. Amalia smiled eerily and handed her the glass. Kagome hesitated for a few seconds, but the woman was smiling so kindly at her, that she finally stretched out her hand and took the glass. She didn't wanna drink that… whatever it was, though.

"It'll help, dear." Amalia said, and Kagome threw the liquid a skeptic glimpse.

"How do _you_ know?" she whispered, from between her teeth. Amalia stepped back, and held the tray in front of her chest, like a shield.

"I just do. It works for those like you." Kagome continued to stare into the glass, as she stirred the crimson liquid.

"Those like me? Like what?" Amalia let out a sigh.

"Just drink it." Kagome held her nose and put the glass to her mouth. The thick liquid had no taste, at least none that she could sense at the moment, and it invaded her mouth in a split second. She swallowed it all, and then dropped the glass to the floor, speckling the carpet with small red droplets. She held her throat, and couched a few times.

It was worse than electric shocks.

:---:


	3. Sinking

AN: I hope you won't get bored of all the flashbacks, I'll try to keep them as concise as possible, but a flashback is nevertheless a flashback… The story will be shaping up soon enough; I hope with his chapter I'll be giving you an expanded look at the subject. I'm sorry if it seems a little (or a lot) closed on one character. I promise to develop some relationships in the next chapters. Promise. Until then, review if you like it, or if you don't, or if you feel like it. Bye-bye!

:---:

On the outside

Three – Sinking

It was worse than electric shocks, but it crept inside her body and had the power to detense her like nothing else she'd taken in these past two months. Not even her antidepressants had made her feel like that. Kagome choked at the thought. First it had been Prozac. Classical antidepressant, but she got accelerated heartbeat and anxiety, she couldn't control her shaking and she was sweating all the time, like she had a fever… but she was always cold.

Then they changed it to Effexor, and that seemed to work better. Of course, she was taking a whole lot before she could realize she wasn't actually gonna get better, and she almost got a perforated stomach thanks to the medication. Idiots!

She resumed her usual attitude towards doctors, which was thinking they were all a bunch of morons with a degree. At least, psychiatrists were, and she wanted to wipe them off the face of the Earth… If only she could do just that…

"Are you feeling better?" Amalia was looking at her rather awkwardly, as if she was half concerned, half scared of Kagome. The girl couldn't understand why this old woman would be scared of her. She admitted she was looking rather ill with her pale skin and those dark eyes, not to mention the long black hair. Her hair… She remembered how Dai used to tie it in a pony tail which fell to her waist, and complain about her keeping it too long. He would pass his fingers through her black hair, and his fair skin looked surreal, through the strands. She would smile and he would leave her all alone afterwards… Because he was scared of her, he was afraid of what she felt for him…

"Kagome?" Amalia was there, and Kagome's eyes gained focus, as she settled them on the old woman's face.

"Are you better now?" Amalia insisted, but Kagome didn't feel like talking. She didn't feel like doing anything, right now, but lay there, numb, and not think of how miserable her life had become. Three months… that's all it took for her to lose everything, even her self esteem. She nodded at Amalia and the woman eyed her a second, like she wasn't entirely sure Kagome was telling the truth. The dark eyes stabbed the woman in the chest and she felt pain in her gut, before turning her gaze away from the girl. She bowed her head and whispered with a hasty voice.

"I was only trying to help you…" Kagome frowned.

"What was that?"

Amalia sent her a confused look.

"You should know best." The girl felt a cold claw in her head, like cold water had been poured inside her skull, and she fell from the side of the bed, on the floor, holding on to each side of her head, screaming like hell. Amalia took a step back and watched Kagome squirm for a few seconds, then she tilted her head and her eyes lit up in realization.

"You didn't know… You didn't… What have I done?" She held a hand to her mouth, and whispered words of repentance over and over, but Kagome couldn't hear her now, she was caught in the mist of her own existence, fighting against something she couldn't see, something she couldn't define, but was threatening to take her over, to devour her and leave her defenseless, a spectator for her own life, or what was left from it.

"_To live is to accept your death, dear girl. My Angel of Death…My Angel of Death, Azrael…"_

"_Who…" Ashes Eyes was staring at her from the abyss, and she felt like she would never breathe again. Light was slipping away from her body as she fell and fell…_

"_No… not again, I don't wanna lose myself again…" she recalled how hollow she'd felt the last time this happened, the last time she felt like her inside had been drained and she was left an empty shell. She'd lost the will to go on, she'd lost the power to look into anyone's eyes, to search for something beautiful in the world, and she'd even lost her love for Dai. _

_Kagome's tears meant nothing to the cold abyss she was sinking into and she couldn't cry anymore. The pain was tearing her apart, and what was worse was that it came from the inside, from deep within her, and she didn't know why, she didn't know where, she didn't know how to stop it, and who was doing this to her._

_Ashes Eyes was gazing at her from deep inside her mind, and Kagome was so lost it frightened her. She'd been lost before, but not like this, not like this…_

"_Azrael, let go… Azrael, give in…" his voice dug inside her mind and nested there like a snake, and it was cold, and she was all alone in this darkness, in this terrible place she didn't know at all, and she only wanted out, out.. The name he was calling her was not hers, but somehow she felt like she belonged to that name. Not the other way around, but like she was tied to this name. Who was Azrael? Was it her?_

"_Help…" her lips were not moving, and yet she could clearly hear her own voice. She was begging for someone, for anyone to help her, but there was no one, and the coldness crept inside her head, inside her heart and drew her emotions out, and drained her soul and she was powerless again, she was just laying there… silent and cold._

"_It's snowing inside my head, and I don't know your name anymore, and I cannot love you anymore, because I couldn't ever love myself. It's winter inside my head, and my thoughts are freezing at the moment of their birth, and I cannot think straight… I'm not well."_

_Her eyes rolled back and her body lost color as she sunk inside that horrible hole, the prison she feared most, the cage she resented and dreaded. Kagome thought she heard the chains falling heavy over her mind, locking it somewhere out of her reach._

"_Why…" was all she could say, but she wasn't entirely sure she actually worded it out. And still she fell, and still Ashes Eyes called to her. She began losing herself, diving again into the nothing, and she was alone in a second. She feared that this time she wouldn't come back. Her tears froze helpless inside her violet eyes._

:---:

"Be careful."

"Is she still alive?"

"Yes, but I think she's hypothermic. Look at her skin, and her lips… She's almost frozen."

"Who the hell brought her in this cellar?"

"Maybe she came here herself."

The young man looked at the doctor with skepticism. The doctor moved to pick her up, but the young man cut his movement halfway.

"I'll carry her." he bent and lifted the small skinny girl in his arms, like she weight nothing at all. His eyes fell on her dry, pale lips, now turning violet with the cold. Sadness spilled from his green eyes and his features were roughened by the sight of her.

'What did you do to yourself this time, Kagome?'

The ambulance was speeding on the road, in the middle of the night, to the Emergency ward, and he was holding her hand. She was as cold as a corpse, although the doctors had wrapped her in several electric blankets, and kept her head warm. A mask had been placed on her face, and she was now breathing warm air, with a controlled amount of oxygen.

"If her body temperature doesn't drop below 80, she has a chance to recover."

The word spread inside Dai's mind and he toyed with it for a few seconds. He doubted Kagome would ever completely recover. But at least he hoped that she would live. Her face seemed so lost; the expression imprinted on her features said it clearly… Another downfall in her depression, another suicide attempt, or maybe just loss of any concern for her well being. What was the difference anymore?

He sighed as he held her hand tightly, under the blankets. She was all he had left, this piece of existence that was barely ever aware of what she meant for him. This child that was touching his soul with her every breath, no matter how shallow, no matter how angry. He wondered if she remembered what he'd told her, about their parents. It didn't matter, anyway, she rarely came out of her world, she rarely spoke to him like she used to, and he couldn't reach her anymore.

"_Dad will she be okay?" the little boy was looking up at his father with concern in his wide open, green eyes. His raven hair fell over his eyes and he periodically cast it aside with his hand._

"_Of course, Dai, just wait, you'll have your baby sister soon enough. And Noriko is gonna be just fine too." the man smiled at his son, but the little boy wasn't entirely sure his dad was telling the truth. After all, his first mommy had died when she gave birth to him. He was eight years old now, and he could understand some things better than his dad thought._

'_What if Noriko dies too? What then? I won't have a mommy anymore. I won't have the chance to tell her I want her to be my mommy, and I won't have a baby sister…' Dai was eyeing the doors of the delivery room, listening to Noriko's whimpers, and the fuss of the doctors. His attentive stance made Gabriel smile. He knew his wife would be just fine, she had to be… he couldn't stand another loss. He put a hand on his son's head and messed up his hair._

_A baby's cry filled the room, and Dai couldn't stand it anymore. He sprung up and ran into the delivery room, where he saw his baby sister for the first time. She was incredibly small, covered in blood and some other stuff he didn't care to examine. Her skin was wrinkly and she looked more like an old woman than a newly born baby girl. _

_But she was his sister, and he loved her from the first second he saw her, and maybe even before that. Noriko smiled at her baby, then at Dai, as the doctor put Kagome in her arms. Gabriel entered the room, and breathed easy at the sight of his girls._

"_Congratulations, Noriko, Gabriel. She's a beauty." A nurse gave Noriko something to clean her baby with, and the woman cleared the small face of the blood. Tears hung from her eyelids, and she looked at her husband._

"_She's perfect, Gabe."_

"_That she is." the man said, and kissed her forehead, then reaching for his son. Dai was a little thrown off by the way his baby sister looked. He'd pictured her differently._

"_Will she look like this forever?" Both his parents smiled kindly._

"_No, dear, she'll be normal, just like the other baby girls you've seen. It takes a little time though." Noriko said, and her gentle voice stuck with the little boy. He gained courage and took a better look at the baby._

"_What's her name, mommy?" Noriko's eyes lit up at the word. Dai had refused to call her mom for the last two years, since she and Gabriel got married. She smiled, and said:_

"_Kagome. My grandmother's name."_

But Kagome had never been normal. Dai could recall her strange looks, the way she sometimes strayed off and locked the word out, how her violet eyes remained downcast for days, even weeks, especially after she turned fourteen.

She had never been entirely normal, and everyone knew it, although he had been the only one who actually admitted it. The day he had to acknowledge that she needed medical help was maybe the hardest in his entire life. But he never showed it, he never showed anything… He was the iceberg his step mother had collided with; he was his father's failed hopes and his sister's guardian.

She never knew it, though, and now he was holding her small hand in his, hoping that she wouldn't pay for his sins. Dai was the exact opposite of his sister. Kagome showed her sadness, she showed her anger, she screamed and yelled, she swore and threw things at them all, she kicked and she resented, she gave it all, she flooded the room she was placed in. Her presence had been, and always would be hard to take, for someone weak at heart, even if now in a different manner. Kagome was all _emotion_, as opposed to himself, who was all _repressed_.

She was so young… God, she was so young, and so broken…

:---:


	4. Brother and Sister

On the outside

Four – Brother and Sister

It was improbable that she would hear him now, or even sense his presence… Kagome laid on the hospital bed, with an IV stuck in her arm, an oxygen mask on her pale face and strapped to a machine which monitored her life signs. So far, she was breathing shallowly, but breathing nonetheless. Dai took any comfort he could in this. Something, anything at all, was better than nothing, as far as his sister was concerned. He looked at her face and saw almost everything she held inside, he heard her cries and her screams, her soft words from far away, her anger and hatred. She was only sixteen years old. It wasn't fair to her…

'Life is the biggest bitch ever…' he felt like a cigarette. But he couldn't smoke here, and he didn't want to leave her all alone in the hospital room. Maybe she'll wake up while he's gone and she won't know where she is, she won't remember, just like last time. The last time… He'd come to visit her at the Recovery Center, only to discover she'd attempted to commit suicide… again. She'd gotten so angry with the nurses that she attacked one with a fork, while the poor woman was trying to serve her dessert. Kagome jumped at her throat, and the nurse had to call security. She was restrained, and locked in The Room as they called it, strapped to her bed. But somehow she managed to slip from the ties and used the metallic locks to hurt herself. There was proof that she initially intended to cut anything else in the room, because the sheets were torn apart, and thrown all over the room, the walls were scraped and the door as well. They'd found her drenched in her own blood, on the floor.

_He_'d found her lying in some _other_ hospital bed, with her wrists bandaged and strapped to her bed like a wild animal.

But now… now she was almost frozen, she'd almost died… Hn. She'd almost died for so many times, he didn't care to count. Two years of struggling in vain, of pain and despair, ever since he saw she wasn't well. But the last few months had been the worst. First, he had to convince their parents to hospitalize her, then, they died so suddenly, leaving Kagome in his care. She wasn't a burden. He didn't think of her that way… but he figured that as long as Noriko was alive, her daughter still had a slight chance to recover, she could relate to her mother, although in the past year, Kagome looked at her with distrust and even resent. Now… he was alone, and he didn't know if his sister stood a chance anymore.

:---:

"_You should cut your hair, Kagome, it looks freaky…"_

_She smiled at him in the mirror as she combed the long strands that reached down to her waist._

"_Why? Don't you love me looking freaky like this?" Dai threw his head back and breathed out the smoke from his cigarette. He cast away the hair from before his eyes and bent over his sister's shoulder. Kagome was seated on a chair, in front of her mirror._

"_You know I love you no matter what, Kagome." his cold voice made her lose the smile. She knew he meant it. Dai never lied to her. He lied to everyone else, even their parents, but not to her. Never to her._

"_I know." she whispered, and his dark green eyes blinked once in acknowledgement._

_Dai stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head, before heading towards the balcony to smoke the rest of his cigarette._

"_Dai?" He turned halfway, at the sound of her dim voice. Kagome held the hairbrush to her chest with both her hands and her violet eyes were wide open._

_He didn't answer, but only looked at her. She was beautiful, for her age. Fifteen years meant she was barely a young woman, but she was beautiful… he frowned and cast the thought aside. It gave him an unpleasant feeling._

"_Do you promise to love me forever?" Dai was a little taken aback by her words. But the serious look on her face clearly stated she meant every word, and her worry was genuine. He took a mouthful of cigarette smoke, then released it through his nostrils._

"_Promise, kid."_

"_Don't call me that! Say it like you mean it, Dai! Promise!" She stood up and took a step towards her brother. Dai let out the remainder of smoke from his lungs and threw the half consumed cigarette out the balcony with a practiced, swift movement. Two large steps and he was in front of his sister, holding her by the shoulders._

"_Forever, Kagome. I promise. Now stop acting like a child." she smiled up at him rather ashamed of her outburst, but he saw she was relieved by his answer._

"_I love you so much!" she jumped into his arms, and Dai had no choice but to hold her until her tears stopped and she could look at the world again, until she was ready to accept anyone else around her again. He couldn't understand her, but he did love her. He would have done anything for her._

:---:

"You're so serious…" her voice almost scared Dai, who immediately bent to his sister, casting away those long gone memories. His promise was still a promise though, and he still loved her.

"How are you?"

"He cares…" Kagome said, that sarcastic tone driving him mad. Even now, she couldn't help being herself. Dai smiled coldly at her, and Kagome coughed, as she tried to move her head and shoulders.

"Oh…" she said, as soon as she saw all the straps and needles holding her down.

"What were you thinking about?" Dai simply frowned.

"Nothing." Kagome rolled her eyes back.

"Liar." She struggled to stand up as best she could, and threw him an exasperated look.

"Well could you give me a hand?" Dai helped her sit up, and Kagome threw the IV a homicidal look.

"I wish these things wouldn't sting so damn much…"

"They wouldn't if you'd quit trying to…"

"Oh please, I've heart it one too many times." she cut his sentence, but Dai was hardheaded much like herself, so he didn't give up.

"IF you'd quit trying to kill yourself every time I turn my back to you, Kagome." he finished, and tried to look her in the eye, but Kagome was looking out the window. It was mid afternoon, but she didn't care how many days had passed since she'd escaped. He would put her back in again. That was it for her escape plan. She was still somewhat confused about how she managed to escape Ashes Eyes, and that coldness, the pain and the cries… But now Dai was here, and she just wanted to keep him beside her forever.

"Kagome." Dai repeated her name over three times, until she tore her eyes from the window, and looked at him. He was used to it. She almost never responded immediately, she was always lost in something else, and she found her way back very slowly. But all you needed was patience.

"How do they treat you at the Center? Are you alright?" his words seemed compassionate, but his face was still, unwavering as usual. Kagome looked into his eyes and didn't answer. What was she to say? That they gave her electric shocks to hold her down and cut her nails? That they did that because she had attacked her roommate and almost shoved her fingers into the woman's throat? That she spent days and days in a row in The Room, without a soul beside her? What? That they shoved drugs down her throat, that if she wouldn't take them, they would tie her down, then feed and medicate her through a tube stuck in her nose?

She didn't say anything. Dai didn't really expect her to say something anyway. He was just out of ideas, because he refused to talk about the only thing she seemed interested in. He couldn't go through it again, the thousand time.

But he didn't have a choice… if he hoped to get her better. The doctors had advised him to use any means possible in order to get to her, to make her reason and to tear her from her closed universe. He took a deep breath and reached for her face. Placing a finger under her chin, he raised her head until she had no choice but to focus on his eyes.

"Who loves you, Kagome?" She frowned for a brief moment, then her eyes became watery and her lower lip trembled.

"Dai." she mouthed, no noise coming out from her throat.

"Say it."

"Dai loves me." He nodded.

"That's right. I love you, but you have to get better, sis." Kagome suddenly grabbed his hand and angrily stated:

"You can't leave me here, Dai, _you can't_! Take me away, take me with you, I don't care who says what about us, I love you, I love you!" she sprung forward and threw her arm around his neck, pulling out the IV. Her blood spilled from the needle stuck in her vein, staining the sheets, her clothes and his shirt. Dai closed his eyes tightly and embraced her.

His heart ached with her every statement of love, because he knew what she meant. Kagome didn't love him as a sister, she wanted to be his lover, and that was just… wrong. But, he couldn't remember a time that she didn't want this. While she was still a child, they, his parents and him, would make great fun of her saying she wants to marry her brother, but as time passed, and Kagome grew older, her determination became stronger, and Dai's worry as well. Their parents had been reluctant to admit that she indeed had a problem. That was, until she jumped off the house roof when Dai moved out. But even then, they couldn't bring themselves to commit her.

"Kagome…" his voice was deep, it had that low tone that gives people the chills, and she loved it when he whispered like that. She wanted to kiss him so much, but the only time she'd tried, he backed away very angry with her. So she tried not to do it anymore. Instead, she kissed him on the cheek, very close to the corner of his mouth. She even loved the smell of his cigarette smoke, mingled with the one of that leather jacket he wore.

"Promise you won't try to kill yourself again." He pushed her away and pushed the button calling the nurse. He held her arm up so the blood wouldn't spill out anymore. She really didn't need to lose blood right now. Kagome was silent all through the time the nurse put back her IV. Then, the woman left, shaking her head in disapproval.

"Kagome." Dai was serious.

Kagome looked at him from under her eyebrows, like a small child who couldn't get his own way. Her mind worked fast, and she gave her brother a slick smile. Dai knew what was coming to him.

"Okay… if you give me something." The young man closed his eyes for a few seconds, then reopened them to see the intense stare of the girl before him. That intensity was what frightened him the most, and what troubled him the most, in her. She had a strong will, and she would eventually have her way with him, Dai knew it. And feared it.

"I want you to kiss me." His heart stopped. That_ feeling_ was more than he'd expected, and a_ lot_ more than he'd wanted. For God's sake, his heart was now pounding, like he was a high school kid! And what was worse, was that this was Kagome… Kagome!! He'd denied it for his entire life. Her love, his confusion, telling himself that he did not, did not, could not, and should not love her that way. Impossible. But now he had to admit he was confused. This feeling he was having right now stated it clearly. He didn't _know_ anymore.

"I can't do that, Kagome." She narrowed her eyes and pressed her lips together, as her eyes became watery.

"Then I won't promise."

"It's not fair, Kagome. You can't do this."

"What's fair, Dai?" her dim voice went straight into his soul and made the decision for him. He didn't want to see her pained anymore, no more bleeding, no more sleepless nights in which he didn't know if she would live through this one as well, no more…

His reason raged against it, but he leaned and cupped her cold cheek, slowly closing the distance between them, praying to God they wouldn't both rot in hell for this…

:---:


	5. Let me out

On the outside

Five – Let me out

_The wind blew the willow's long, flowing branches further over the lake, and her hair was getting into her eyes. She absentmindedly cast it aside with her hand, looking over the mirror of the lake. Small waves climbed up and down the surface of the water, as several wild ducks spread their wings, splashing sparkling drops into the warm air of the afternoon. She stared at their colorful feathers and thought of nothing. Nothing at all, just that sunny day, just that silence, occasionally broken by the rustle of the willow's branches and the birds' screams of freedom. A freedom that was no longer hers…_

Kagome opened her eyes. The usual smell of hospital sheets almost made her sick to her stomach. She was alone in the room; Dai had left her alone again. She was struggling to remember something that had happened long ago, something important, she wasn't supposed to forget about it… But what? What was it? She put a hand over her face and frowned as she fought against the numbness from the medication. The fucking morons had stuffed her with Thorazine again… She couldn't even think straight.

But something was slipping away from her, something wasn't right, and she couldn't remember… she'd been so cold, and so alone, and now… Dai!… Dai had saved her, he'd come for her, he'd promised her he'd love her forever… then… Kagome whimpered, and sat up. A quick look at herself made her grow ever more disgusted with who she was. She wondered why Dai loved her. Why would he love someone as self-destructive as her? It didn't make sense. She knew why she loved him, he was beautiful, strong, untouchable, and still he was kind, he had a heart, although he didn't show it often…

His face had been so close to hers… Kagome opened her eyes widely. Ashes Eyes had made her lose that moment…

"No…"

Dai leaned over his sister's small, pale face, and prayed to God they wouldn't both rot in hell for this. Her skin was cold, and his heart grew just as cold with every breath he took, closing in on her face. Kagome's eyes were deep and intense, she was burning on the inside, but on the outside… nothing. Cold as a grave. Motionless as a corpse. As her lips parted a little, he found himself hypnotized, lost inside her will, as if he was the alienated mind there. Maybe he was… But her eyes lost focus, and they rolled back just before he reached her pale mouth, just as he felt her shallow breath on his skin, and Kagome fell limp into his arms, losing her consciousness.

"Kagome!" He held her small body, frowning in pain, pain of heart that was constantly tearing him apart, that was constantly screaming at him, screaming that he was powerless, he was nothing and he couldn't help this child to get her life back. Dai held her numb body close to his, and felt his soul die a little more, felt himself getting bitter and cold, resentful at the world that tortured his dear Kagome so much… He pushed the button, and the nurse came in a matter of seconds. Immediately, she called the doctor, and they had her intubated again, shoved that long tube down her throat and helped her breathe. The fussed around her, as she laid there helpless, and he stared at her young pained face, wondering how long, and what would it take for her to feel like herself again.

Kagome turned her head to one side, pressing her eyes closed, and placed a hand over her chest. Those wires never went away, they never let her breathe, feed, take the medicine, walk, sleep, get dressed on her own… Nothing. She was a puppet in their hands. A defenseless puppet, left behind by her creator. She never got to kiss him… A sharp pain caught her by the chest and crept inside her head, as cold spears went through the back of her neck. Kagome crouched, clutching onto the painful spot. She whimpered and widened her eyes.

"What…" the pain grew with every second and soon she was falling on her back, before she could get the chance to cal her nurse. Her vision became blurry, the ceiling was twisting and changing shape, and her body was frozen. It felt like she was laying down on cold water, and she couldn't feel the warmth of her body anymore. No more heartbeat, no more breath, no more blood flow… silence. Then the sound of walls cracking and ripping apart. She couldn't see anything but the constantly twisting ceiling, and she began to feel afraid.

'This is wrong, this isn't real, it isn't real…" Kagome kept saying to herself, but she wasn't convinced it was just her illness; she couldn't tell if she was indeed swallowed by that ceiling. She felt Ashes Eyes as he came closer to her, and she could almost see his face, but there was seemingly nothing there, other that those horrible hollow eyes, those pools of eternity that only promised her downfall.

Kagome felt something touch her all over her body at the same time, like a heavy piece of silk washing over her still form, and she felt disgusted with it. She knew it was him, she knew he would take her somewhere far away, somewhere Dai couldn't reach her… and her eyes filled with tears.

'No… Please… no…' Kagome begged him, and her soul shattered at the thought she would never see Dai's dear face again, she would never see him smoke his cigarette in that lazy, uncaring manner that suited him so well, she would never lay her head in his lap, under their willow tree, back in the village.

"Let gooo!!!" she screamed and the ceiling draw back, and Ashes Eyes grew further and further away, and her body warmed up again…

"_There is no escape from what you are, Azrael…"_

His promise was cold and it left no room for arguing. She knew he would come back, and she knew who he was, but not now… She didn't want to think about that now… She had to get better, she had to…

"Kagome?" Dai pushed the doors open and rushed to her. She was sitting in the middle of her bed, with her right hand over her chest, leaning to one side on the other arm.

As soon as she saw him, she raised her arms and reached for him.

"Dai…" He frowned and took her into his arms, not understanding her scream from earlier. Kagome didn't realize she'd let it out, obviously. She was covered in cold sweat; the thin clothing from the hospital was drenched in it. Her heart was hitting his chest like a thunder, and she was breathing hastily, clutching onto his body with all her strength.

"I was alone, I was so alone, and it was so cold…" she mumbled, her words were endless pleas for help, countless tears never released, violent emotions showering his entire body and digging into his heart. Her whispers were as the cutting wind of December, when you stand alone in the blizzard, and there is no one to even say you're gonna reach some shelter.

Dai's rage against the world was growing stronger with every pain Kagome showed, with her every scare and tear, with her every shout and faint… He hated the world just as Kagome hated herself: hopelessly, with all his being. He wanted to keep her safe, but he could do nothing… Nothing. He squeezed her frail body as strongly as he though she could take.

"I wish you could take me away from here, Dai. Just you and me… I don't need anything else, just you…" she mumbled into his shoulder, as Dai almost heard his own defense crashing down at her words. He was so weak in front of her pain, that it scared him. He was afraid he would someday prove too weak for her sanity, and give into this mindless desire she had for him. It was irrational, it was utterly wrong. He would have taken her away, God how he would have! But he couldn't trust himself around her, now he was sure. She had a powerful grip on his heart, and he had to tear her from there, he had to limit her influence over himself. Otherwise, they were both lost.

"I can't Kagome. You're not well yet. You know that."

"I am, I am… You just don't wanna believe me…" she let go of her strong grip and looked at his face. Her eyes were sad, and she hoped she could persuade Dai that she meant what she said. Because she really did.

"I promise I won't ask anything of you anymore… please just take me out from here. Please, Dai these idi… _people_ make me lose my mind. You have to believe me, I can't stand being in the same place as those mental cases, you _don't_ _know_ what it's like…"

Kagome passed her small hand over his face, a habit from her childhood, and smiled sadly at her brother. She thought they looked alike right now, as he responded to that smile with a similar one. He didn't know what to make of this. Kagome was more coherent now, a significant improvement from how she'd behaved in the last two months. But he couldn't forget her fixation on him; he couldn't forget all the manic crises and the suicide attempts. He couldn't just cast aside that doubt in the back of his head, that his sister is again trying to manipulate him. Dai narrowed his eyes as he looked into hers. Kagome did nothing but stare back, hopeful and still.

"Alright." he finally said, knowing that it was maybe the worst thing he could have said, or done. Kagome's anger was still there, he knew it, but he had to make her see that it was irrational, and that she could contain and control it.

"I'll talk to your doctor, to see if you can be kept at home. But you'll take your medication, Kagome, I don't wanna hear any argument about that." Dai's voice was very calm, but left no place for doubt. He was going to make the rules, if she was to get out of this place. Kagome nodded, barely keeping her tears from falling. She hadn't been this happy in years.

"Thank you." she whispered, and she kissed his cheek. Dai stiffened a little at her action. As he stood up, he looked at her much like a concerned father would look at his child.

"Don't thank me yet, kid." He noticed Kagome's frown at the pet name which he knew she hated, but he didn't mind much. She had to know her place, and she had to understand that she couldn't become his lover. It was simply not an option. They were brother and sister, and it was wrong. Wrong. _Wrong._

Dai repeated the word in his mind all the way to the psychiatrist's office, where he stopped at the door to take in a deep breath, and clear his head. He really needed a cigarette, this was too consuming.

He knocked and pushed the door open when he heard the doctor allowing him to come in. He had no idea of how he could convince this man to let his sister out. If she hadn't been so violent with that woman, and the nurses, maybe he would have had an easier task. As it was, he couldn't imagine what would possible make the doctors release her.

:---:


	6. The stranger

On the outside

Six – The stranger

The willow was as beautiful as she remembered it. The lake was the same, with the sole exception that it was very cold now, and the birds were gone. But it was her spot, her place in time and she was free. The days she spent in the village, away from doctors and hospitals were bliss. No more than a week had passed since Dai had brought her back to their small house, inherited from his grandparents, on his mother's side. Kagome felt at ease here, even if Ashes Eyes still tormented her every night. The visions were becoming clearer now, and she could distinctively see the long black hair, and the inhuman eyes staring down at her, always staring down… And then there was Azrael. Kagome got the impression _she_ was Azrael, or for some reason Ashes Eyes thought she was.

She didn't want to think about it anymore. It was bad enough hat she had to dream about it every night! She put her blanket at the base of the willow tree, and sat down, looking over the glassy surface of the lake. The wind was cutting her cheeks, but it was only making her feel alive, again… The numbness from her drugs was all gone now, and she was only taking antidepressants, and some pills to stop her hallucinations. Or, she should have, because she didn't take those last ones, she knew Ashes Eyes was real, somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew, and it scared her… She had to find out who he was, and what he wanted with her, or she couldn't have a life, ever.

Kagome's eyes fluttered closed in a few minutes, as she sat under her willow tree, embracing her knees. The wind played with her hair, and dead leaves flew about everywhere. The sky was grey and no sun sparked through the stubborn clouds, making the air a little too loaded with the proximity of a storm. She fought to stay awake for about half a second, before she felt a strange hot wave washing over her, and then she gave in to the strange feeling that everything will be alright, that she shouldn't fight this. Somehow, Kagome doubted anything in her life will ever be alright, but right now, she didn't want to think about that either.

:---:

The tall man was looking at her with strange gold eyes. Kagome couldn't make out anything else from his features, other than those bright, half avert, gold eyes. He seemed like a statue, the way he just stood there, in front of her, not moving a muscle. Kagome stared back, not saying a word. The eerie feeling she got from him didn't resemble anything she'd ever felt in her entire life. It was a strange kind of calm, but an imposed one. He was not this composed as a person, more like he kept a mask on; he held an appearance that suited him at the moment. Kagome had the feeling he was dangerous.

"So you came back, Azrael."

Kagome stopped breathing. Again, that name. Who was this man? She wanted to say something, but couldn't think of anything to say to him. He was intimidating, to say the least.

"I'm not Azrael." she finally managed to word out, but she sounded like an old mechanism, almost not knowing what she said. The man stepped forward, and some sort of mist cleared out from his features, leaving his entire being exposed to Kagome's widened eyes. She was afraid, but she didn't know why. Mind you though, the fear wasn't the same as the one she felt around Ashes Eyes, it was shallow, human… It was self imposed, not coming from within her soul.

His face… Kagome parted her lips in amazement. His face was as beautiful as a porcelain doll's. That fair, perfect complexion was only stained by two magenta stripes on each side of his cheeks, and a dark blue crescent moon on his forehead. His pure, white hair, which should have given him the aspect of an older man, did nothing of the sort, but only brought forward the only colored spots on his face. Aside from the magenta stripes, his eyes were still front center, and Kagome couldn't rip her eyes off them for very long. His mouth was delicate, almost feminine, and closed in a determined manner which clearly stated his arrogance.

The slightly lifted chin and the perfect straight line of his nose and jaw both gave him an aristocratic look, as if he were some royalty. His entire face was a clear proclamation of his superiority, the way his eyebrows were slightly curved upwards at the corners of his eyes, the manner in which he looked down the length of his nose at her, the firm line of his lips… Kagome was speechless. She'd never seen a creature more blessed with God's gifts than this man.

By the time her eyes managed to move from his face to follow the outline of his tall form, the man had narrowed his stinging eyes, and tilted his head only an inch, enough to make his entire expression shift into one of curiosity. Not more that he needed to though, just enough. Kagome got the impression he was very good with balancing his actions, so that he didn't make any unnecessary movements. Hell, he looked like he didn't even breathe one time more that he absolutely needed to in order to keep alive!

Her eyes glided down his slender, elegant neck to the slight parting of his dark shirt. A button had been neglected, thus showing a small piece of his alabaster skin. Kagome paused on the small gape his collarbone left, and noticed that his skin held no shades, no variations in nuances… It was all of a light tone which appeared inhuman, somehow. Kagome's eyes traveled slowly down his shirt, counting his buttons. It had seven dark blue buttons, on a black shirt that seemed to fit his athletic body perfectly. Covering his broad shoulders was a completely black, long coat which managed to make his overall look even more imposing. In contrast, his long hair was flowing in thin streams over his shoulders and around his body, almost like it would have been floating about him.

The only thing distracting Kagome's attention from his seemingly perfectly shaped body was his belt. It looked strange, like it had been made out of silver, but a bright one, in fact so bright that Kagome couldn't look at it for very long. She noticed it represented a pair wings closed together. A smile almost escaped her lips, as she thought that he really did look like an angelic appearance. But what kind of an angel would be this stiff?

His arms were held calmly beside his body, the long sleeves leaving only his fingers visible. He had slim, long fingers, ending in… claws? Kagome frowned for a second. He had long nails, but no nails could ever look that sharp. He must have had claws. Her eyes darted back to his face, and were received with the same condescending look.

"Are you quite finished?" the man inquires, barely parting his lips. Kagome didn't answer. Her eyes were asking a million questions though, and he decided that she deserved a little more attention. He stepped forward, and stopped just in front of her. Kagome realized she couldn't feel the wind anymore, or the cold air outside. Actually, the entire scenery had somehow faded into a mass of blurry outlines. The fear inside her had dimmed, and was now well on its way to certain death. As disturbing as he would have seemed, Kagome didn't feel afraid anymore, she was just… amazed.

"Am I dreaming? Who are you?" she whispered, looking up into the gold eyes of the stranger.

"Stand." he commanded. Kagome didn't like his tone. She'd gotten enough orders in the hospital to last her for a lifetime. But this man didn't look like he would take "no" for an answer, or even a comment for that matter. So she found herself doing exactly as he instructed her. Not that it did her much good. The only thing that became obvious by her standing up was the difference between them. He was at least a head taller that she was, actually the top of her head didn't reach his chin. Slowly, he lowered his head and gave her an intrusive look that shook Kagome's entire body. It had been a physical reaction that she could not help, although her heart hadn't skipped a beat while she looked back at him.

"I am Sesshoumaru. Do you not remember, Azrael?"

"I'm not Azrael…" she whined pathetically, passing her fingers through her hair. The man frowned for about half a second.

"You do not remember." he concluded, narrowing his eyes further more. Kagome was out of breath. The absolute stillness emanating from his entire being was nothing more that the calm preceding a storm. What she saw was not his manufactured composure, because she was certain it was manufactured, but what he hid under it. He must have had quite a temper, once provoked!

"What are you?" she asked, afraid of the answer. Her eyes were watery, and she didn't know why. Her heart was beating fast, advising her to stop asking questions, because the answers were far from easy to hear. And yet, Kagome would not listen. His eyes held too many promises, too many glimpses of memories, too many fragments from her own insecurity for her to consider not asking. She had to ask. She had to know.

"I am what you should have been." Her heart cried out upon hearing his words, and she felt dizzy.

"I know your face." Kagome whispered, and then looked down at his fingers.

"I know your hands." She paused for a moment, not understanding from where she knew him. The feeling had simply flooded her, all of a sudden. Her head was spinning with "almost memories" of his hands touching her. He'd hurt her by that touch, she used to flinch every time his perfect fingers came to a rest on her body. Why did he hurt her? He wanted something from her… She used to want something from him as well… Kagome frowned, as glimpses of memories flashed through her foggy mind, trying to make her react to her past, or… she didn't know if she should have called it past, because she was sure now that these memories belonged to another body… Maybe the same soul, but definitely another body. Through the confusion of her flashbacks, Kagome saw only his eyes, golden, angry, pained, then angry once more, frustrated, helpless, she saw his candle white fingers reaching for something, releasing power, and destroying… killing… her. And then, only silence.

"You… you know me too." her voice was drowned in tears, but she refused to cry, the discovery was all too amazing, and she got the distinct feeling that he wouldn't have appreciated her shedding tears at the moment. Or… ever. He didn't seem the type to comfort people.

"I do." he said. He had a strange voice, very deep, that rumbled through his chest just a spilt second before he spoke his words. Like… a growl.

"Who am I?" Kagome dared ask, although she was not sure what for.

"Finally, the proper question." the stranger said. His arm reached for her, and he unfolded his long fingers to touch her face. Or so Kagome thought. He didn't touch her though. His claws stopped an inch from her eyes, and slowly turned bright green. A thick, fuming liquid spilled from them, dripping at her feet, and melting the dead leaves and grass. Kagome didn't even blink. She knew he wouldn't hurt her… She knew, but she didn't know where from. The stranger huffed, and the ghost of a smile shaded his lips for a moment. She looked in fascination how his entire face shifted expressions, and thought he was beautiful.

"You never were afraid of me, Azrael."

Between her wanting to know who Azrael was, and her fascination for his eyes and voice, actually for his entire person, Kagome couldn't think about many things. She was getting contradictory feelings about him, one second it was confusion, the next it was pain, and regret, then it turned into some sort of affection that she couldn't rightly place. As she was looking at his immobile face, she couldn't believe such a man would actually respond to either hate or love, his personality was far too keen on making him look down upon others. He pulled his hand away.

There was definitely something wrong with him… Something he was hiding. Come to think of it, he was probably hiding everything the least bit interesting or revealing. Kagome swallowed.

"Maybe you gave me no reason to be." she said, almost choking on her words. She could feel her throat dry; something was burning her from inside out. The man narrowed his perfect eyes, and bent his head ever so slightly.

"I gave you plenty, as I did with them all. You were just stubborn." he said, flatly, as if that would be a terrible fault. Kagome wasn't able to remember anything about any other people, but his touches still lingered inside her mind, and she could feel his fingers on her skin, staining her with something she couldn't make out. His touch had been cold, determined, it left no room for her to breathe, to live… and yet it wasn't ill intentioned. Maybe, just maybe… he'd done a mistake.

As she looked into his eyes, Kagome had to admit that it was very improbable that this man would make a mistake. Yet… she had the distinctive feeling that he'd hurt her, he'd bled her… she could feel in her entire body, in the way her muscles tensed when she looked at his hands, in the way her heart hesitated to ask that question… Kagome decided she wasn't gonna be afraid anymore. She frowned, and saw how he prepared to take her question. He knew it was coming, and he knew the answer would shake her.

"Did you… kill me?" Kagome whispered, out of breath. She would have welcomed the cutting wind right now, as her body burnt with anticipation.

"I did." his voice rang in her ears.

_I did… I did…_

She closed her eyes, and felt her knees refusing to hold her weight anymore.

_I did…_

:---:


	7. Wings

On the outside

Seven - Wings

The touch seemed somehow familiar to the young girl crashed at the base of the willow tree. It was warm, and very delicate. The fingers passed over her face, clearing it of the strands carried by the wind. His voice called to her, and she knew she had to come back to her senses. Kagome was wondering how such a cold man's touch could be this… warm. At that moment in time, she was actually craving for a cold touch, for something to quiet the flames burning her inside. Kagome shot her eyes open only to Dai's worried face. She smiled faintly, realizing that in the last few months, even years, every time she would open her eyes to see him, he was worried.

"Dai." Kagome whispered, feeling her voice unlike her own. Her body was stiff. She moved to stand on her feet, and her brother helped her, with the same concerned expression imprinted on his face.

"You fell asleep." he said, and his deep voice sounded so familiar, like a song from long ago, from when she still knew who she was, and what she was meant to do. Kagome shook her head.

"I wanna go home, Dai. Let's go home." He nodded, and collected the blanket from where his sister had laid it. He paused for a second to notice the burn mark in the layer of dead leaves and grass, but he dismissed the image as non important.

Kagome leaned on his arm, and caught his waist resting her head on his shoulder.

"I feel tired." she said, as Dai steadied her walk and mostly dragged her to the house.

"You should get a real sleep session when we arrive. Why did you stay there for so long anyway, and at this hour? You said you were only going to take a walk." Dai said, giving her a quick look as he helped her walk over a tree trunk, knocked over and left forgotten as it seemed. Kagome shrugged her shoulders and tried to remember the man's name.

"Sesshoumaru…" she whispered.

"What?" Dai frowned, and bent slightly to hear her.

"Do you know anyone named Sesshoumaru?" Dai raised his eyebrows.

"Here? You're kidding, right?" Her solemn face told him she was not, though, and Dai tried to answer seriously.

"No, I don't. Why do you ask?" Kagome looked away.

"I just… had a dream. Never mind."

"Another dream?" Dai's voice fell into a sigh. He was beginning to lose faith that she would recover. The screams from her nightmares woke him every night, and he had to stay with her until she was asleep again, until her breathing was regular and far apart, and she was helplessly numb in his arms. She always seemed so small laying asleep in his arms, so fragile and broken… So tortured… Dai died a little bit more every time he had to see her like that, every time he had to wipe her face dry of those bitter tears she shed.

"It wasn't like that, this one wasn't… a nightmare." she said slowly, as they walked into the house.

Kagome went straight to the fireplace, and put the palm of her right hand on the warm wall.

Dai closed the door and walked after her, in the small living room.

"Oh, what _was_ it like, then?" he asked. Kagome shook her head.

"It doesn't matter, I was just… wondering. Just leave it alone, it doesn't matter." she waved her other hand, her back turned to Dai.

"Alright. Did you take your pills?" Kagome took in a deep breath.

"Yeah." she had them in her pocket.

Dai nodded, a little unconfident, but he decided not to press the issue any further.

"Come eat something later, I'll be in the kitchen. Okay?"

Kagome nodded, resting her other hand on the fireplace as well. It felt good, hot, her arms were burning. As she watched the flames twisting and turning, she realized why she always liked fire so much. Gold and red flames, menacing and yet contained in that small prison, threatening to burst out… Gold fire. Kagome smiled sadly.

She wasn't sure it had been a dream. The man's face was too lively imprinted in her memory, his voice too familiar, and his far away touch too burning for it to be a dream. No… It was real, it was as real as she was, and there was no question about it anymore. As for who and what he was… Kagome had no answer. But she swore she would find out, even if it meant going through every nightmare any sick mind could think of. She would endure it, she would keep going, and she will find him. Anywhere, in her memories, in her soul, in another world… She had to find him, and hear his voice again. It was haunting her, promising her resolve, promising her… peace of mind. She wanted to know who she was, why she had to suffer like this, and why did this world hurt her so much.

:---:

Dai thought he'd waited enough. He walked out of the kitchen and headed towards the living room.

"Kagome, are you…" his voice broke in mid-sentence when he saw his sister asleep on the sofa, crouched like an infant. He sighed and frowned.

"You should have at least eaten something, kid." he whispered, as he picked her up and headed towards her room, upstairs. Two small pills fell from her lose jeans' pocket. Dai gave them a long look, and closed his eyes tightly, biting on his bottom lip. Her face was clear of any distress now; she was resting, truly resting. Was it that bad? With or without the pills, she would always be… different. He still couldn't believe the doctor had agreed to allow house treatment for her. Yet he had, thinking that maybe being around her only remaining family would do her some good. Dai had to admit it had, Kagome was feeling and looking a little better now.

The young man put his small sister on the bed, and pulled the sheets over her motionless form. He took one last look at her delicate face, deciding she was too skinny, and cleared a few strands of black hair off her forehead.

Then, he nodded, as if he'd come to a conclusion, and exited the room.

'_I have to find him… He's in here somewhere. Sesshoumaru!' she yelled, but her words shattered into the hollow space before her. She was walking on a path of crimson stains, but she didn't feel her legs reaching any hard surface. She felt like she was gliding, and she could see her own reflection in the glassy surface of the stains. Kagome didn't want to think about what they could be. The feeling of emptiness filled her, and a cold breeze washed over the inside of her chest, freezing her limbs. A constant pain in her back told her that something heavy was dragging her back, and she could smell blood. Kagome tried to crouch, but her back speared her with such fierce pain that she had no choice but to stand straight and arch her back._

_She put a hand on the sore place on her back, just above her ribs, and felt something… that shouldn't have been there. A wound… but, there was something else, something… growing, it was hard, like a stump. Kagome widened her eyes in terror, and reached as far as she could to feel the strange thing growing on her back._

'_What…' There were two of them! As she retracted her hand, she saw it was bloodstained. Her blood. Tears formed in her eyes, and fell in the crimson puddle at her feet._

'_What's happening to me?' she cried out, looking at her own bloody fingers. The pain was getting worse by the second. It seemed to be doing so even since she'd learned she had a wound. Kagome could feel the blood trailing down her back, staining her clothes. Some of it was already dry, making her a little sick._

'_Less brave, are you, Azrael?' the man said, his mockery tone hurting the girl's ears. A short nervous laugh spread into the nothingness surrounding her, and she felt trapped. She was cold, and the pain wouldn't cease, if anything it seemed to punish her for every movement she made, no matter how shallow._

'_Ashes Eyes…' she thought._

'_Hm…Not my name, but I guess it's better than the other ones I've been deemed with. How are you, Azrael?' Kagome grimaced, as his words seemed to increase the amount of pain ripping through her back. She could distinctively feel something growing, her bones extending, lengthening, and reaching up. A sharp pain cut across her head, and she screamed._

'_STOP! Please, stop… What did I do…?' Her tears suddenly froze behind her eyes, and she couldn't cry anymore. Her shaky breathing caused her to hiccup every now and then, as she fell to her knees, her head bent and her long black hair spread in the thick crimson liquid. Kagome was sure by now that it was blood, but the realization hadn't had much effect on her, since the pain in her body was much worse that the ill feeling in her gut._

'_You have to grow, Azrael, you have to become as you once were. The pain is nothing.'_

'_No, get away, get away…' Kagome mumbled. Her words were silenced by her scream though, as a ripping pain hit her back, and speckles of her warm blood spread on her shoulders and arms. Her shirt tore and was hanging lose, barely covering her chest. Immediately, as if not to let her recover, she felt like she'd been hit on the head with a tree. Cold spears fought to climb out of her skull, and the ache was excruciating. Her terrified screams and whimpers echoed though the hollow space, as her fingers closed tight into the puddle of blood. Her own life liquid dripped silently from her neck and arms where it had formed thin serpent-like trails. Kagome was shivering, her eyes open and seeing nothing._

_A heavy load hung from her back, compelling her to crouch in order to sustain it. She sat on her knees and bent to rest her head on her outstretched forearms. The strange blood was reaching her cheek, but she didn't care, the pain was easier to bear this way. She was angered because she couldn't even cry._

'_What did I… do?' she whispered, as she felt the scenery shift, bend and twist around her. Kagome opened her eyes a second, or a thousand years later, she couldn't tell anymore. The first thing she saw was a pale girl, with red, bloodshot eyes staring at her. Her face was livid, the skin on her body perfectly smooth and seemingly drained of blood. It had to be, because all her blood was on the outside of her body. Her neck and shoulders were covered in it and her hands as well. Kagome looked at the strange girl, and swallowed her apprehension. Behind her, two large, perfect wings spread to each side, one white, blood-stained, the other one burning like a flame. On her head, sticking out of her black, dirty hair, were two small, blunt horns, white as snow._

_It took Kagome some time to realize she was looking into a mirror._

'_It's a trick…' she thought, refusing to believe her sight._

'_That's not… She's not me.' Kagome shook her head, but as the image followed her motion, she froze in front of the tall mirror. It was a room full of mirrors, everywhere she looked, she could see that small, broken body covered in blood, and those huge wings rising to protect it, like a shield, like another life force._

'_No.' she said, and fought to stand up. The wings were so heavy, they almost knocked her over, but she managed to stand firm._

'_Where are you? Why have you done this to me?' she asked, looking around with no aim._

'_I have done nothing. It was your choice, it was your time, Azrael.'_

'_Stop calling me that. I'm Kagome. Ka-go-ME!' she yelled. A bored laughter broke through the mirrors, and one of them grew darker. Kagome looked in that direction._

'_Come out. I wanna see you.' The man chuckled_

'_Do you really, now? Well, I suppose I mustn't leave you yearning, Azrael.' The surface of the mirror became liquid, and through it stepped a tall, dark figure. Kagome narrowed her eyes, and steadied her body. She was still a little crouched, and holding her ripped clothes to her chest with one hand._

_His eyes were as hollow as she remembered them to be. His skin grey, like a dead man's. The fixed look gave her chills, and that long hair, the color of mud, only added to the sick feeling she had from him._

'_Disappointed?' Ashes Eyes asked. Kagome turned her head a little to the side, not moving her eyes from his face, though._

'_Who are you? Why do you hurt me?' she demanded, her courage surprising even herself._

'_Feisty… are we?' Ashes Eyes gave out a ghostly smile._

'_I need you, Azrael. Remember who you are.' His arm reached towards her, and Kagome instinctively drew back. Her wings pulled her down though, and she felt like she was falling. Before she could hit the ground though, her wings flapped a few times and held her up. Not long, as she realized she was flying, her wings refused to obey her, and she fell flat on her butt._

'_I see you're recovering. Good. Enough for now.' Kagome ;looked at him angrily._

'_Don't give me that, you bastard! WHO ARE YOU?' she yelled at the odd man. The evil he emanated was like nothing she'd ever felt before. It was like he was every sin on the planet._

'_Don't raise your voice with me, silly girl. You may be scorching in the depths of Hell before you could flap another wing.' his tone was icy, but his look fiery, and filled with the certainty of his actions. Kagome got the feeling he could really do as he said. A flick of his hand had been enough to make her gasp in pain, grabbing her chest. Ashes Eyes smiled. Kagome felt her heart pounding faster, and fire scorching her from inside out._

'_Stop…' she said, but she wasn't begging. She closed her eyes and much to her surprise, saw what was burning her inside. It was indeed fire, but with a black flame, consuming her. Kagome thought of water, and tears fell from her bloodshot eyes on her cheeks, melting into her skin and taming the black flames. The fire was out in a few seconds, and she felt liberated. As she raised her head to Ashes Eyes, she saw she was alone. But the pain was beginning to dim now, that he was gone, and her wings felt lighter._

'_Sesshoumaru…' she whispered, looking into a mirror, at her own face. She was ugly, she knew she was ugly. Too skinny, that oval face and the unusual shape of her eyes, too round for an Asian girl… the livid complexion, that long black hair, and now she had wings and horns. She could laugh, if she wouldn't have felt like crying her eyes out. Which were red anyway… She took a better look at herself. Her irises were completely red, bright, and her pupils oval, like a feline's. She remembered that Sesshoumaru had that sort of eyes as well._

'_Sesshoumaru.' she said again, fingering her cheek. She spread her arms to reach to her wings. They felt like any other wings, maybe even softer. She had trouble understanding why one was the color of fire, though. It even looked like it was burning, but she could touch it with no problems. She closed in on a mirror and bent to see her face better. Subtle changes had occurred in her appearance. Her eyebrows were thinner and better defined, her lips slightly curved down in a pout. She felt her entire body differently, lighter, even if she was still in some amount of pain. Kagome was beginning to think that the pain hadn't dimmed, but it was she who could stand it better._

_She stood up straight, stumbling on her feet until she gained balance. Was she taller? No, it was just her wings…_

'_I'm a demon.' she said._

'_You are an Angel, Azrael.' he said, and her heart suddenly fell heavy in her chest._

'_Sesshoumaru?' Kagome whispered._

_His eyes burnt her from the other side of her mirror. Kagome opened her eyes wide._

'_Angel.' she said, like an echo. She felt she should be contradicting him, but something inside her told her it was true._

'_I'm an ugly, tormented angel.' she huffed out a mockery laugh. Sesshoumaru tilted his head._

'_You are different.' Kagome raised her arms. The wings were an obvious addition, and so were the small horns._

'_Really?' she said, sarcastic. Sesshoumaru only raised an eyebrow._

'_Time to wake up.' he said, as he turned his back at her. Kagome reached out for him, but the glass refused to allow her passage. Sesshoumaru grew further away, and she fell on her back, regretting his departure. His voice had been so familiar; she wanted to touch his fingers, to feel his skin…_

"Kagome?" She opened her eyes, and saw Dai. Only this time he wasn't worried. She smiled.

"Kid, I gotta go to work. You be good, and eat something, I've left some food in the fridge for you, and money on the table, if you wanna go into the village to buy something else to eat."

"Okay." she mumbled, sitting up. Dai was seated on the edge of her bed.

Realizing she was missing something, Kagome widened her eyes, and reached for her wings. They weren't there.

"Dream…" she whispered.

"What?" Dai frowned.

"Nothing. I just… have a good one at work." she said, and gave him a shy smile. Dai raised his eyebrows, surprised, and gave her a peck on the cheek. Kagome threw her arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug. She kinda wanted to kiss him, but she held back, knowing it would only upset him. So she let go, and let him leave.

"Thanks. Take care, okay?"

"Uh-huh." she mumbled, just before the door fell closed. His footsteps on the stairs finally disappeared, and the front door fell closed as well.

"Oniisan, I'm an Angel with a burning wing." she whispered. The car drove down the alley, heading for the city.

:---:

AN: Boy, this is turning out twisted... I didn't mean for it do develop like this, when I wrote the first chapters. Creepy. Anyhow... It's weird, but I kinda enjoy writing it, so... if you can bear to read it, I guess it's all good. See ya!

:---:


End file.
